Don't Blame the Messenger

During the past few weeks some of my friends have found themselves in difficult, although common, situations. One of them is having a birthday, and between another year older and a disappointing Valentine's Day, he's feeling as if no matter what he does, how good he is, or how hard he works, he's going to be disappointed for the rest of his life. Another friend has decided to move to another state, both to be closer to his son, and because he doesn't feel like his life is working out the way he would like it to where he's at currently. My third friend ended a short relationship with a girl a couple of weeks ago, though he was putting off doing so for some time before that. He wanted to see other people, he was no longer getting what he wanted out of the relationship, he doesn't know quite what he wants, but he feels he needs to find it somewhere else.

Speaking as someone who has been in both very good and very bad relationships, as someone who has moved around looking for the all elusive "something", and as someone who has wondered if I was ever going to catch a break, I can tell you that there is a common problem which is at the heart of these feelings and situations. So many times we think, "If I could just have this happen, or if only that hadn't turned out the way it did, or if the world worked the way it should, then everything would work out for the best."

I see two problems with this way of thinking: for one it is an attempt to absolve oneself of all accountability not only for the events that have happened in life, but of any future failures, mistakes, and disappointments. Secondly, we all hope everything works out "for the best", when what we really mean is that we hope it works out the way we want it to, the way we feel is best, and the way that will be the most self-serving. It makes us all sound pretty selfish, doesn't it? And it should, because we are. On the one hand we want to be able to blame the cosmos, God, karma, whatever, for why we seem to be stuck in the same route, but once "the powers that be" intervene, we expect such divine intervention to be according to our desires. We trust the messenger has the power to deliver, but not that he knows which message is truly the best one for us.

Each of these friends came to me at some point to talk about their different situations and issues, and looking back I realized that I essentially told them the same thing. The problem isn't as much the world or an event around you as much as the problem is you. If every man or woman you date has had something so terribly wrong with them that you had no choice but to end the relationship, then perhaps the problem is that YOU have horrible taste in a partner, or YOU have a false idea of what a relationship is, or YOU need to grow up and realize that nobody is "perfect". If you're having trouble getting a job and you've applied to as many places as you can, you've interviewed, you've updated your resume, and you still haven't found one, the problem is YOU. YOU have not presented yourself in a way that an employer thinks they have to have you; that you're too good to let go to another company. YOU haven't shown that you are the best candidate. It's not the fault of the universe, or God, or the economy. It's YOUR fault. Now, due to our current economic situation, is it more difficult to find employers who are hiring? Yes. Do you now have to compete with more people for a job? Yes. All this means however is that YOU have to be better. Instead of being better than 10 people going for 1 position, you need to better than 100 people going for 1 position. Instead of working in your chosen profession, you may need to work in a field where you have less experience. At the end of the day, the only thing you have control over is yourself, which means YOU need to be the one doing everything you can to change your situation.

I am so tired of people blaming everything other than themselves for the situations they are in! There is no magic force to make a relationship work, or to get you a job, or a better house, or whatever! I'm not precluding blessings, or the power of believing that you will receive something, but to think that you can sit back and expect to receive is a false principle; a dangerous doctrine; a lazy way of thinking. If you want something, you go and get it! If you can't keep a relationship together, figure out why not and fix it! If we all accepted a little more accountability for our actions and circumstances, I believe we will achieve more, be happier with what we have, and learn how to better help ourselves in the future. Not to mention, I'm sure the powers that be would appreciate the help.