6 Things Every Couple Should Talk About Before Getting Married

I don't understand what it is about my generation, but for some reason we have a very difficult time building and maintaining strong, meaningful, marriage type relationships. I've reached that age in life where I have a mixture of married friends, divorced friends, engaged, single, desperate, etc. I've seen 20 year marriages dissolve and supposed one night stands turn into true love. I've also seen friends get married after knowing each other for 3 weeks and wonder why they're having such a hard time getting along! (Life isn't a romantic-comedy ladies!) So, more to vent than anything else, I thought I'd give my two-cents on the subject with 6 things every couple should talk about before getting married. While none of these topics may be deal breakers, they can shed some light on what a future together will entail, and possibly help fix some problems before they begin.


1. Money

Face the facts, roughly half of all marriages end in divorce, and one of the major issues/problems/fighting points couples face, especially in today's economy, is money. It's dirty, it can be ugly, and it's always unforgiving, but you and your partner have to figure out how you're going to handle it. You have to realize that when you get married you're not only inheriting her pricy shoe collection or his vintage Star Wars posters, but the debt accrued to get those things. Some debt may be necessary (student loans, mortgage, car) but unnecessary debt can put a strain on the relationship from the beginning. And once married, how are you going to handle your funds? Are both of you going to be accountants or just one? Joint accounts or separate? Money allowances? Are your spending habits going to put added stress on the marriage? True, you may not spend $200 on a new handbag, but a daily Starbucks fix can be just as damaging.

2. Religion/Politics

The free love, hippie, liberal meets the gun-toting, redneck, conservative. It's the classic story of boy meets girl! Maybe not, but I have seen couples who've made it work. Ones religious and political views form the basis for their most closely held beliefs and core values, the same values you are going to want to pass on to your children, and that's where things can get sticky. You may have no problem with your spouse's religion or political affiliation, but are you okay with your kids adopting those same views? Even if you and your future spouse are of the same religion, what degree of activity are you going to have? What place does religion take in your relationship, if any? Oh, and Atheism and Spiritualism fall in the same category, I know you want to think they don't, but those are beliefs that need to be discussed.

3. Career Goals

Like it or not, what you choose to do for work does have an effect on you, both negative and positive, and some jobs more than others. Your soon to be spouse needs to understand that and be realistic of those affects. A firefighter, police officer, or military member has a dangerous job, they could get hurt or worse, and they see things that can have a serious impact on them for the rest of their lives, and as the spouse you have to understand that and accept what may happen. Lawyers work long hours, doctors start out in an immense amount of college debt; teachers may be out of patience by the time they get home. If you go in to a relationship being okay with what the other does for work, you can't then throw it back in their face later on in the marriage when they consistently do what is necessary for that work.

4. Children

Most couples figure out whether or not they want to have children before they get married, that's not really the issue here, rather how do you handle the children once you've got them. Consistency in discipline is key and the two of you have to figure out how that discipline is going to be carried out. Do you believe in time outs? Grounding? Spanking? What's about when Jr. turns 16, does he get a car? Are you going to start a college fund? Your particular style of parenting is one that no doubt will develop and evolve as you actually start doing it, but you have to stay on the same page with each other, and that's even more difficult to do if you don't start off working together.

5. Family

(Insert wicked mother-in-law joke here) Let's be honest, my family's crazy, your family's crazy, everybody's family is crazy, that's how it is. But while you may marry into a family, you don't marry the family, and you have to decide to what extent they are going to be a part of your new life together. Getting advice and counsel from them on certain things is fine, but when it comes time to make decisions, it's between you and your spouse. Cut the cord people! Along with that come what family traditions you're going to keep and which ones you aren't. For example, my girlfriend and her family every year have a huge 4th of July party. It's the one event all year the whole family goes to and it's a big deal to her, so it will become a big deal to me.

6. Marriage

If you're getting close to marriage it may seem like that's all you talk about, but in reality what you're talking about is the wedding. Very few couples actually talk about how they're going to make a marriage work. I get it, you're in love now and that's never going to change, right? That's what every couple thinks and half of them are wrong. Marriage is work and you've got to figure out how you're going to make it last. I'm a firm believer in a weekly date night. No kids, it doesn't have to be fancy, it just has to be something you both want to do together. I also believe in making sure you both have hobbies you can do apart. Just because one of you loves mountain biking doesn't mean the other has start as well. It's healthy to have hobbies and activities that are your own, along with things you enjoy doing together. Make a habit of doing something nice for your significant other every day, one of you suck it up and do the dishes, and understand that there will be times you won't like each other, but that's what chocolate and flowers are for.