I don't understand what it is about my generation, but for some reason we have a very difficult time building and maintaining strong, meaningful, marriage type relationships. I've reached that age in life where I have a mixture of married friends, divorced friends, engaged, single, desperate, etc. I've seen 20 year marriages dissolve and supposed one night stands turn into true love. I've also seen friends get married after knowing each other for 3 weeks and wonder why they're having such a hard time getting along! (Life isn't a romantic-comedy ladies!) So, more to vent than anything else, I thought I'd give my two-cents on the subject with 6 things every couple should talk about before getting married. While none of these topics may be deal breakers, they can shed some light on what a future together will entail, and possibly help fix some problems before they begin.
1. Money
Face the facts, roughly half of all marriages end in divorce, and one of the major issues/problems/fighting points couples face, especially in today's economy, is money. It's dirty, it can be ugly, and it's always unforgiving, but you and your partner have to figure out how you're going to handle it. You have to realize that when you get married you're not only inheriting her pricy shoe collection or his vintage Star Wars posters, but the debt accrued to get those things. Some debt may be necessary (student loans, mortgage, car) but unnecessary debt can put a strain on the relationship from the beginning. And once married, how are you going to handle your funds? Are both of you going to be accountants or just one? Joint accounts or separate? Money allowances? Are your spending habits going to put added stress on the marriage? True, you may not spend $200 on a new handbag, but a daily Starbucks fix can be just as damaging.
2. Religion/Politics
The free love, hippie, liberal meets the gun-toting, redneck, conservative. It's the classic story of boy meets girl! Maybe not, but I have seen couples who've made it work. Ones religious and political views form the basis for their most closely held beliefs and core values, the same values you are going to want to pass on to your children, and that's where things can get sticky. You may have no problem with your spouse's religion or political affiliation, but are you okay with your kids adopting those same views? Even if you and your future spouse are of the same religion, what degree of activity are you going to have? What place does religion take in your relationship, if any? Oh, and Atheism and Spiritualism fall in the same category, I know you want to think they don't, but those are beliefs that need to be discussed.
3. Career Goals
Like it or not, what you choose to do for work does have an effect on you, both negative and positive, and some jobs more than others. Your soon to be spouse needs to understand that and be realistic of those affects. A firefighter, police officer, or military member has a dangerous job, they could get hurt or worse, and they see things that can have a serious impact on them for the rest of their lives, and as the spouse you have to understand that and accept what may happen. Lawyers work long hours, doctors start out in an immense amount of college debt; teachers may be out of patience by the time they get home. If you go in to a relationship being okay with what the other does for work, you can't then throw it back in their face later on in the marriage when they consistently do what is necessary for that work.
4. Children
Most couples figure out whether or not they want to have children before they get married, that's not really the issue here, rather how do you handle the children once you've got them. Consistency in discipline is key and the two of you have to figure out how that discipline is going to be carried out. Do you believe in time outs? Grounding? Spanking? What's about when Jr. turns 16, does he get a car? Are you going to start a college fund? Your particular style of parenting is one that no doubt will develop and evolve as you actually start doing it, but you have to stay on the same page with each other, and that's even more difficult to do if you don't start off working together.
5. Family
(Insert wicked mother-in-law joke here) Let's be honest, my family's crazy, your family's crazy, everybody's family is crazy, that's how it is. But while you may marry into a family, you don't marry the family, and you have to decide to what extent they are going to be a part of your new life together. Getting advice and counsel from them on certain things is fine, but when it comes time to make decisions, it's between you and your spouse. Cut the cord people! Along with that come what family traditions you're going to keep and which ones you aren't. For example, my girlfriend and her family every year have a huge 4th of July party. It's the one event all year the whole family goes to and it's a big deal to her, so it will become a big deal to me.
6. Marriage
If you're getting close to marriage it may seem like that's all you talk about, but in reality what you're talking about is the wedding. Very few couples actually talk about how they're going to make a marriage work. I get it, you're in love now and that's never going to change, right? That's what every couple thinks and half of them are wrong. Marriage is work and you've got to figure out how you're going to make it last. I'm a firm believer in a weekly date night. No kids, it doesn't have to be fancy, it just has to be something you both want to do together. I also believe in making sure you both have hobbies you can do apart. Just because one of you loves mountain biking doesn't mean the other has start as well. It's healthy to have hobbies and activities that are your own, along with things you enjoy doing together. Make a habit of doing something nice for your significant other every day, one of you suck it up and do the dishes, and understand that there will be times you won't like each other, but that's what chocolate and flowers are for.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Don't Blame the Messenger
During the past few weeks some of my friends have found themselves in difficult, although common, situations. One of them is having a birthday, and between another year older and a disappointing Valentine's Day, he's feeling as if no matter what he does, how good he is, or how hard he works, he's going to be disappointed for the rest of his life. Another friend has decided to move to another state, both to be closer to his son, and because he doesn't feel like his life is working out the way he would like it to where he's at currently. My third friend ended a short relationship with a girl a couple of weeks ago, though he was putting off doing so for some time before that. He wanted to see other people, he was no longer getting what he wanted out of the relationship, he doesn't know quite what he wants, but he feels he needs to find it somewhere else.
Speaking as someone who has been in both very good and very bad relationships, as someone who has moved around looking for the all elusive "something", and as someone who has wondered if I was ever going to catch a break, I can tell you that there is a common problem which is at the heart of these feelings and situations. So many times we think, "If I could just have this happen, or if only that hadn't turned out the way it did, or if the world worked the way it should, then everything would work out for the best."
I see two problems with this way of thinking: for one it is an attempt to absolve oneself of all accountability not only for the events that have happened in life, but of any future failures, mistakes, and disappointments. Secondly, we all hope everything works out "for the best", when what we really mean is that we hope it works out the way we want it to, the way we feel is best, and the way that will be the most self-serving. It makes us all sound pretty selfish, doesn't it? And it should, because we are. On the one hand we want to be able to blame the cosmos, God, karma, whatever, for why we seem to be stuck in the same route, but once "the powers that be" intervene, we expect such divine intervention to be according to our desires. We trust the messenger has the power to deliver, but not that he knows which message is truly the best one for us.
Each of these friends came to me at some point to talk about their different situations and issues, and looking back I realized that I essentially told them the same thing. The problem isn't as much the world or an event around you as much as the problem is you. If every man or woman you date has had something so terribly wrong with them that you had no choice but to end the relationship, then perhaps the problem is that YOU have horrible taste in a partner, or YOU have a false idea of what a relationship is, or YOU need to grow up and realize that nobody is "perfect". If you're having trouble getting a job and you've applied to as many places as you can, you've interviewed, you've updated your resume, and you still haven't found one, the problem is YOU. YOU have not presented yourself in a way that an employer thinks they have to have you; that you're too good to let go to another company. YOU haven't shown that you are the best candidate. It's not the fault of the universe, or God, or the economy. It's YOUR fault. Now, due to our current economic situation, is it more difficult to find employers who are hiring? Yes. Do you now have to compete with more people for a job? Yes. All this means however is that YOU have to be better. Instead of being better than 10 people going for 1 position, you need to better than 100 people going for 1 position. Instead of working in your chosen profession, you may need to work in a field where you have less experience. At the end of the day, the only thing you have control over is yourself, which means YOU need to be the one doing everything you can to change your situation.
I am so tired of people blaming everything other than themselves for the situations they are in! There is no magic force to make a relationship work, or to get you a job, or a better house, or whatever! I'm not precluding blessings, or the power of believing that you will receive something, but to think that you can sit back and expect to receive is a false principle; a dangerous doctrine; a lazy way of thinking. If you want something, you go and get it! If you can't keep a relationship together, figure out why not and fix it! If we all accepted a little more accountability for our actions and circumstances, I believe we will achieve more, be happier with what we have, and learn how to better help ourselves in the future. Not to mention, I'm sure the powers that be would appreciate the help.
Speaking as someone who has been in both very good and very bad relationships, as someone who has moved around looking for the all elusive "something", and as someone who has wondered if I was ever going to catch a break, I can tell you that there is a common problem which is at the heart of these feelings and situations. So many times we think, "If I could just have this happen, or if only that hadn't turned out the way it did, or if the world worked the way it should, then everything would work out for the best."
I see two problems with this way of thinking: for one it is an attempt to absolve oneself of all accountability not only for the events that have happened in life, but of any future failures, mistakes, and disappointments. Secondly, we all hope everything works out "for the best", when what we really mean is that we hope it works out the way we want it to, the way we feel is best, and the way that will be the most self-serving. It makes us all sound pretty selfish, doesn't it? And it should, because we are. On the one hand we want to be able to blame the cosmos, God, karma, whatever, for why we seem to be stuck in the same route, but once "the powers that be" intervene, we expect such divine intervention to be according to our desires. We trust the messenger has the power to deliver, but not that he knows which message is truly the best one for us.
Each of these friends came to me at some point to talk about their different situations and issues, and looking back I realized that I essentially told them the same thing. The problem isn't as much the world or an event around you as much as the problem is you. If every man or woman you date has had something so terribly wrong with them that you had no choice but to end the relationship, then perhaps the problem is that YOU have horrible taste in a partner, or YOU have a false idea of what a relationship is, or YOU need to grow up and realize that nobody is "perfect". If you're having trouble getting a job and you've applied to as many places as you can, you've interviewed, you've updated your resume, and you still haven't found one, the problem is YOU. YOU have not presented yourself in a way that an employer thinks they have to have you; that you're too good to let go to another company. YOU haven't shown that you are the best candidate. It's not the fault of the universe, or God, or the economy. It's YOUR fault. Now, due to our current economic situation, is it more difficult to find employers who are hiring? Yes. Do you now have to compete with more people for a job? Yes. All this means however is that YOU have to be better. Instead of being better than 10 people going for 1 position, you need to better than 100 people going for 1 position. Instead of working in your chosen profession, you may need to work in a field where you have less experience. At the end of the day, the only thing you have control over is yourself, which means YOU need to be the one doing everything you can to change your situation.
I am so tired of people blaming everything other than themselves for the situations they are in! There is no magic force to make a relationship work, or to get you a job, or a better house, or whatever! I'm not precluding blessings, or the power of believing that you will receive something, but to think that you can sit back and expect to receive is a false principle; a dangerous doctrine; a lazy way of thinking. If you want something, you go and get it! If you can't keep a relationship together, figure out why not and fix it! If we all accepted a little more accountability for our actions and circumstances, I believe we will achieve more, be happier with what we have, and learn how to better help ourselves in the future. Not to mention, I'm sure the powers that be would appreciate the help.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Why New Year's Resolutions Don't Work
As we go in to 2010, no doubt the majority of the country will have made at least one New Year's Resolution. It happens every year. The end of the old year and the beginning of a new inspires people, it motivates them, and they get the desire to conquer things that have eluded them up to now. Many will resolve to eat healthier, to exercise more often, to be smarter with their money, to find "Mr. or Mrs. Right", etc. We all start out the year strong, determined, and dedicated. We may slip up a little here and there but we remain on course, eyes on the prize, at least until late February or early March, which is when the majority of you will fail miserably at your resolutions, lose all faith in them, and give up. It happens every year, and you know it. The question is...why?
I'll tell you why. For starters, the idea that you have to wait until the beginning of the year to set a resolution is absurd. Furthermore, the idea that you must make a resolution of some kind, solely because it is the beginning of the year is even more asinine. If you want to set a goal to achieve something, you don't start it next month, next week, or tomorrow; you start it today and you start it right now. A good example of this is the common goal to eat better and go the gym. The majority of people choose to begin these goals on the Monday after they have decided it, since Monday in most people's minds constitute the beginning of the week due to that is when the majority of us return to work. They justify this by saying, "I don't want to only work out a couple of days until the weekend, and then stop, and then have to start up again on Monday." Or, "I just need one more good weekend of eating and drinking, then it'll be out of my system and I'll be able to buckle down and get in shape." What an absolute load of crap!
Every few months I take a break from the gym. I believe it's good for the body, it helps the gym not to become a chore, and I'm re-focused when I go back. And when I go back, I don't wait until a Monday, I go when my body says it's time to go, whether it is a Saturday or a Thursday, or whenever. If you procrastinate beginning a goal until a specific time, it's easier to procrastinate it further once that time arrives. I have found that if you begin a goal today, even if you have to take a break from it, you are more likely to get back on track and stick with it.
Another reason New Year's Resolutions don't work is that they are seldom measured and they rarely have an end date. If your resolution is to be better with your money, you need to have a way of measuring that and a time you want to reach a certain achievement. Does being better with your money mean you are saving more? That you are investing more in stocks? That you are merely spending less? These things need to be clarified. If your resolution is to eat healthier, what does that really mean? Less junk food? More fruits and vegetables? Organic? What about a resolution to be nicer to people? Again, what does that really mean? How can it be measured? A resolution that is unable to be measured isn't a goal, it's a wish, and wishes only come true in fairy tales. You also need to have a realistic end date that gives you time to achieve your goal. Saying you want to lose 10 pounds by Halloween, perfectly reasonable, saying you want to lose 10 pounds by next week, probably not so much. Having an end date will help you judge how well you are doing with your goal.
Let's say your goal is to be better with your money. In order to begin you need to clarify what that means. You determine it means for you, that you want to spend less so you can have more in savings, which you can then use to invest. This can be measured! Look at your budget, how many times a week do you eat out? Look at your grocery receipts, how important is it to you that you get two bags of chips? If it is important to you, don't cut it, if it's not, stop buying them. What "useless" bills do you have? Are you paying for long distance but don't know anyone out of state? Do you have HBO and Showtime but never watch them? Has the novelty of Netflix worn off? Is it more cost effective to rent four movies at Redbox a month for $1 a peace, or get four movies from Netflix a month at $9.99? Now, take the money you would normally spend on these items and put them into a savings account. Any bank will gladly set one up for you, many of them without a minimum amount to start it. Each month take the money you would have spent on those items (by the way, don't spend that money on other crap you don't need either) and put it into your new savings account. Set an end time or an end amount. Decide you're going to do this until you have 2k in savings, or until Dec 31, 2010, it's up to you. The point is that you have an end point! Once you've reached that point, do some research and invest in what you feel will be the safest and most profitable option for you.
This is how your resolution doesn't end up a nice wish or an "if only". This is how it becomes not just a goal, but a goal achieved. Tell your friends and family about your goals! They will often help motivate you by asking how your goal is going, or complimenting you on when they see you getting closer to reaching it.
Sounds like a lot of work, huh? Guess what, it does take work! So suck it up lazy-poo! Go get something done!
I'll tell you why. For starters, the idea that you have to wait until the beginning of the year to set a resolution is absurd. Furthermore, the idea that you must make a resolution of some kind, solely because it is the beginning of the year is even more asinine. If you want to set a goal to achieve something, you don't start it next month, next week, or tomorrow; you start it today and you start it right now. A good example of this is the common goal to eat better and go the gym. The majority of people choose to begin these goals on the Monday after they have decided it, since Monday in most people's minds constitute the beginning of the week due to that is when the majority of us return to work. They justify this by saying, "I don't want to only work out a couple of days until the weekend, and then stop, and then have to start up again on Monday." Or, "I just need one more good weekend of eating and drinking, then it'll be out of my system and I'll be able to buckle down and get in shape." What an absolute load of crap!
Every few months I take a break from the gym. I believe it's good for the body, it helps the gym not to become a chore, and I'm re-focused when I go back. And when I go back, I don't wait until a Monday, I go when my body says it's time to go, whether it is a Saturday or a Thursday, or whenever. If you procrastinate beginning a goal until a specific time, it's easier to procrastinate it further once that time arrives. I have found that if you begin a goal today, even if you have to take a break from it, you are more likely to get back on track and stick with it.
Another reason New Year's Resolutions don't work is that they are seldom measured and they rarely have an end date. If your resolution is to be better with your money, you need to have a way of measuring that and a time you want to reach a certain achievement. Does being better with your money mean you are saving more? That you are investing more in stocks? That you are merely spending less? These things need to be clarified. If your resolution is to eat healthier, what does that really mean? Less junk food? More fruits and vegetables? Organic? What about a resolution to be nicer to people? Again, what does that really mean? How can it be measured? A resolution that is unable to be measured isn't a goal, it's a wish, and wishes only come true in fairy tales. You also need to have a realistic end date that gives you time to achieve your goal. Saying you want to lose 10 pounds by Halloween, perfectly reasonable, saying you want to lose 10 pounds by next week, probably not so much. Having an end date will help you judge how well you are doing with your goal.
Let's say your goal is to be better with your money. In order to begin you need to clarify what that means. You determine it means for you, that you want to spend less so you can have more in savings, which you can then use to invest. This can be measured! Look at your budget, how many times a week do you eat out? Look at your grocery receipts, how important is it to you that you get two bags of chips? If it is important to you, don't cut it, if it's not, stop buying them. What "useless" bills do you have? Are you paying for long distance but don't know anyone out of state? Do you have HBO and Showtime but never watch them? Has the novelty of Netflix worn off? Is it more cost effective to rent four movies at Redbox a month for $1 a peace, or get four movies from Netflix a month at $9.99? Now, take the money you would normally spend on these items and put them into a savings account. Any bank will gladly set one up for you, many of them without a minimum amount to start it. Each month take the money you would have spent on those items (by the way, don't spend that money on other crap you don't need either) and put it into your new savings account. Set an end time or an end amount. Decide you're going to do this until you have 2k in savings, or until Dec 31, 2010, it's up to you. The point is that you have an end point! Once you've reached that point, do some research and invest in what you feel will be the safest and most profitable option for you.
This is how your resolution doesn't end up a nice wish or an "if only". This is how it becomes not just a goal, but a goal achieved. Tell your friends and family about your goals! They will often help motivate you by asking how your goal is going, or complimenting you on when they see you getting closer to reaching it.
Sounds like a lot of work, huh? Guess what, it does take work! So suck it up lazy-poo! Go get something done!
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